Turning 4

4. This is what it feels like.

I’ve been one of those lucky moms who got a chance to spend every moment with you the last few years. It has been challenging, but also humbling in every way.

This year I had to go back to work. Even though I work from home mostly, we made a trip to India on work. I had the most grueling schedule, which directly affected you. I wasn’t around you much, physically for months.

There were many tears shed by both you, and me. There was not a single day when you went to bed before I got back home, however late it was. You were with your grandparents, who cared for you the same way I would.

And one day, you just said ” Amma needs to go to work”, instead of the usual ” Amma, please don’t go to work”. I must’ve cried the hardest that day. Was I losing you? Was I doing this okay? I felt like the world’s worst mom, but yet you were always smiling, always welcoming, and so so loving. I still have so much to learn from you.

You talk complete coherent sentences now. “Amma, I’m upset”, or ”  I’m hungry, I need to eat”, ” look, I farted”, “Will you come and play with us ?”. (I’m thinking us are all the imaginary friends you have.) You make sure you’re heard, and always speak your mind. I can’t say the same about many adults I know.

I might complain sometimes about how tough it gets, or about how many times you’ve watched ‘frozen’ the movie. You remain blissfully unaware, and love me to the maximum. I’m yet to learn to just love, keeping everything else aside.

In mom years, I turned four too. I’m still juggling, learning as I go. While some things have become simpler, other things keep turning complex. You remind me that it’s okay, and everything will be just fine. You’ve taught me to try the hardest and never give up. You try learning new things every day, and don’t realize what failing means. For you, Failure is just a means of taking another route, and doesn’t mean the end of the road. It seems so simple, it must be.

Enough with the sappy mom, you might say, soon enough. Right now you’re busy sleeping and I’m laying next to you and marveling at you. Gosh, something must’ve gone into my eye.

Happy 4th Stuti.